[This Commentary originally appeared in the March 30, 1989 issue of The Mendon-Honeoye Falls-Lima Sentinel.]
Why did we pick Easter week as our first week of publishing the Sentinel? Rumor has it we chose last week, which also happened to fall on the first week of Spring, because of the symbolism of rebirth and resurrection. Sure, the Sentinel represents both – a revitalization in the tradition of local hometown newspapers. This explanation makes a great story, but, unfortunately, it fails the truth test. Perhaps the best way to describe how we came up with our starting date is by showing why we didn’t choose other dates.
The week of March 16th would have been an ideal starting date with the Village elections coming up and all. As luck would have it, I found myself away on business that week, and, besides, we saw no reason to place undue pressure on ourselves. We selected March 23rd primarily for this reason, and because we definitely did not want to jinx our publication by beginning its life this week – the week of April Fool’s Day!
Also, I didn’t want to put myself in the position of writing a humorous column for the very first issue. Nonetheless, we find ourselves on the verge of celebrating that day designed for all jokesters. With Saturday comes the first of April, and this presents a perfect opportunity to denounce some widely held rumors.
Rumor #1: Rochester Mayor Thomas Ryan is secretly negotiating with an unnamed Lima developer to have the unfinished Hyatt uprooted and moved to Lovely Lima, where it will be opened as New York State’s first fully air-conditioned casino. This is definitely not true. It’s to be relocated next to the HF-L High School and be converted into classrooms, Monroe County’s largest indoor gymnasium and a cafeteria for second graders. The leftover steel will be sold on the international market at an artificially low price, thus squeezing out foreign steelmakers and balancing America’s trade deficit.
Rumor #2: Peter Rose has agreed to relocate from Cincinnati to coach the girls softball team after realizing he’ll live in a community less than 15 minutes away from Finger Lakes Race Track. Sorry, sports fans, but Pete won’t be coming our way. Wade Boggs, however, has indicated an interest in the coaching position. The girls are somewhat disappointed. They were hoping for Tom Selleck, but he was busy doing other things.
Rumor #3: Tom Selleck plans to open a Hawaiian shirt factory in those empty fields on the east side of Route 65 just north of Honeoye Falls. Wrong. Bob Hope is going to put in a 27 hole golf course. It will be constructed underneath a huge dome so area golfers can enjoy the relaxing sport through the winter months. Tom, on the other hand, will be opening up a modeling agency in Mendon Square.
Rumor #4: Elvis Presley, alive and well and living in Kalamazoo, will buy the Sherwood Manor and convert it to a McDonald’s. True fans of the King can see through this myth in a second – Elvis only works at Burger Kings.
Rumor #5: Pete Rozelle has announced a spring football league, including a team from Mendon called the “Mighty-Mights.” This is an impractical thought. The athletic fields are located in a flood plain and the NFL would never allow a floating stadium in the league.
Rumor #6: Renowned Architect I.M. Pei plans to design the world’s first floating football stadium and build it behind St. Catherine’s Church. See above.
Rumor #7: Monroe County Executive Tom Frey has decided to hire a consulting firm to study the possibility of shifting Monroe County Airport (oops! The “Greater Rochester International – With Four Flights to Toronto – Airport”) to Lima. Silly, silly, silly. Lima’s in a different county. The $500,000 study went into determining the need for larger terminals in Ev Lewis’ back yard.
Rumor #8: They’re going to fix the Can of Worms.
Rumor #9: I will be beginning a career as a stand-up comedian. Seriously folks, how can I do that and guest host on Johnny Carson?
APRIL FOOL’S EVERYONE! May you twist the truth as convincingly as I have, and remember: if someone fools you, don’t get mad, just remember the prank next year around this time.
Last Week #1: Only Heels Can Be Heroes (originally published March 23, 1989)
Next Week #3: What’s With The Duke of Earl (originally published April 6, 1989)
[What is this and why is here? See Interested in Discovering My Time Machine? for more details.]